Sellout.

I think marriage is for sellouts and overweight people that want to multiply. The last wedding I went to was for my 300-pound cousin Sara. When my (very Christian) Mother saw Sara outside the church in her wedding dress, she leaned over to me and whispered, 

“I didn’t realize we parked our mini van on the lawn.” 

The phrase escaped her mouth before the good lord could censor it. She let out a gasp as her hands flew to her mouth while my brother and I ruthlessly laughed on her behalf. 

When I saw a receipt for a ring in Jordan, my boyfriend’s email my stomach dropped. What the fuck am I going to tell him? I probably can’t get away with a lie on this one. Our anniversary drew nearer and I waiver between stomach dropping fear and anticipation. 

The day arrives. He suggests we take a trip down to the water. I agree, my teeth clenching, knowing that this is the place he intends to commit the heinous act. He purchases me some macaroons from my favorite French bakery and we proceed to the park next to the water where all the homeless people and tourists blur together.  We sit…and sit…and sit. All of the sudden my palms begin to sweat and my mind races. What if I just saw a receipt for something else. What if it was all a dream that my sick mind created. You didn’t see any receipt Sasha, you blind fool! What were you doing rummaging through his email anyway? Have you no respect for the man’s privacy!?  I sigh like a totally normal person and walk toward the garbage cans to throw away my tea bag. I was hoping to buy a few minutes to regain composure. But I hear a strange rustling behind me. I turn to see Jordan struggling with his pocket. Strange. But not out of the ordinary. I sit down and Jordan leans over to me.

“Do you want your anniversary present?” 

“Yeah, sure, what is it?” 

A few moments of pocket struggling produces a tiny box. I open it. 

“Huh…it’s a ring” 

“Yeah” 

“What kind of ring is it?”

“OH! ….uh…Will you marry me?” 

I snort. I laugh in his face. We silently stare at each other and the ring. Jordan’s eyes are panicked. He finally speaks. 

“But seriously. Will you marry me?” 

I look at him a moment longer. His eyes are the same color as the water.
“Yes Jordan of course I will marry you.”